Tag Archive for 'Overpriced'

Review: A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

This movie was just sad, and quite possibly the worst movie Michael Bay has ever had his name attached to. Yes, okay Pearl Harbour sucked. This one just sucked out loud. Amidst corny jokes and a myriad of references to the original so blatant that it actually slowed the progression of the movie, it really wasn’t worth anyone’s time. Sure it got some screams from the ladies in the audience, but that isn’t really an accomplished feat.

What I liked:

In all honesty, the thing I liked best about this movie was that it had the new Old Spice commercial showing in advance of it appearing in TV. It literally had everyone in the theatre laughing their asses off, and considering everyone was in there to see a horror movie it was literally a seating arrangement of guy next to girl in every seat. I could have walked out at that point and it would have been the $11 well spent.

Freddy Krueger is virtually the only bad guy in mainstream horror films that either A) isn’t a vampire/werewolf/tentacle monster, or B) wasn’t once-upon-a-time a good guy. He’s the only bad guy you enjoy seeing die.

What I disliked:

Aside from a few elements that were okay, a bit more brevity in the story than the original, I disliked it all. The only way I could have had more corn and cheese in this movie would have been if I’d picked up a bag of white cheddar popcorn. The unadulterated campness was an injustice to all things good and camp. Really, I wholly disagree with the rating agencies for film, but I would fully back an organization to limit the quantity of campness that can be placed in a movie – because, “won’t somebody please think of the children!”

Overall: 5/10

I likely wouldn’t have done anything more productive with my time, but I can list a lot of things that would have been more worth my time. However, I did enjoy laughing my ass off at various parts of the movie that were clearly intended to be scary, and by the sounds of it the majority of the men in the audience we’re right there with me.

Judgement: Free on TV, anything more is an insult to the cash in your wallet.

Review: Repo Men

This was a strange one, not because of the whole sci-fi artificial organ repossession deal, which I can buy into. This was strange because of a random mixture of sex, gore and an odd twist for the end. Jude Law and Forest Whitaker made this an interesting action movie, but it was really little more than a good action movie.

What I liked (caveat edition):

Law and Whitaker made this fun, and funny, to watch. They played their parts well and were passable as life-long friends, which is what made the twist at the end believable – not worthwhile, just believable.

The story overall was good, however it seemed like there was a lot of avenues the story could have gone down that would have been potentially better, but didn’t. The story kept hitting intersections, but it never seemed apparent why it never took a left or a right. It had a plot similar to ‘The Island’ with Ewan McGregor, however it had neither Ewan McGregor nor a meaningful ending, just a bizarre twist that left me wondering why I’d bothered to sit through the last forty-minutes of action.

The action scenes were a Matrix part 2/3 affair with choreography spewing from every knife hole, which consumed a lot of time that could have been used for either more comedy or more story.

What I disliked (unfortunately without caveats):

A hallmark of a bad writer is the reliance on a Deus Ex Machina to resolve a plot problem. We’re not talking Lord of the Flies usage where the entire novel revolves around them trying to get rescued and right at the crucial time they do, I don’t have a problem with that – if anything it’s less of a plot twist because it’s now frequently expected and can in fact be a rewarding end. No, I’m talking this is a War of the Worlds (Tom Cruise movie) ending where there’s no mention of disease and suddenly all the aliens die from influenza like they’re a bunch of Red Indians dragged into a Pox House, it was sheer irrelevance. Aside from a pre-mention or two of the literal ‘machina’ the twist comes out of nowhere.

I suppose the writer didn’t want a happy ending to the movie, which I can give kudos for but his form of a tragic ending was as irrelevant to the story of the movie as if the movie Bambi had ended with the faun taking a shell of buckshot to the chest. As many can probably assume, the twist was so horrendous that I’m actually taking personal offence to it because not only I could have done better, but anyone reading this could have done better and a monkey hammering away gibberish on a typewriter would have produced a more sensible ending.

Another thing that bugged me was the random sex scenes that appeared to have been contrived solely for the purpose of upping the rating. Yes we get it the bible thumping rednecks at the MPAA can’t stand to see sex and violence in the same movie let alone the same scene, and a sure fire way to get the highest rating is to put sex and violence in the same scene. Of course instead of killing someone and harvesting their organs while they’re rolling around with a hooker in the sack to offend the MPAA, the writer and director for Repo Men decided it would be excellent to have the main characters have a sadomasochistic sex scene while they cut each other open for no apparent reason other than one of the many plot adventures of “well we can’t think of anything else” that this movie frequently took.

The plot is akin to The Lord of the Rings without the ring, they just travel to Mordor to say “fuck you viewer!” It’s good until you realize Frodo left the ring at home because he just wanted some alone time with Sam in a scary place to see if the whole fear-of-death aspect would help get them to share a sleeping bag like it seems to every woman in any Hollywood movie.

Overall: 6/10

This is my lowest review score so far for two reasons. One is because I usually can tell if a movie is going to suck out loud, and this one didn’t suck out loud per se, it just sucks in hindsight. The other reason is that while it was an entertaining romp with multiple action scenes that were enjoying to watch and Whitaker’s believability is the only reason this didn’t get a 4/10 for pissing me off.

A review is supposed to be impartial, and I am. I don’t judge on film makers past works, their reputation or anything I judge a movie solely on its merits and I believe I’d have been less annoyed if you’d have strung every pun against the British from every Simpson’s and Family Guy episode together – in fact I can see myself giving it a far higher review than this movie. Standing on its own merits, if they’d have followed their non-sense policy of ignoring all the crossroads available to them in plot development and followed it to its logical conclusion it would have probably hit around a 7.5/10, but after skipping many logical plot alternatives they decide to take a completely illogical plot twist at the end in a Douche Ex Machina move by the writer and director.

If I can recommend anything to anyone on this movie is that it likely isn’t worth the price to rent it from blockbuster, and probably isn’t worth wasting one of your Netflix discs on when you could get an actual good movie.

Judgement: Wait till it hits TV or a movie channel.

Now it’s over with… the iPad

Finally the device that has been rumoured for endless months has been finally announced, and with it a price tag as optimistic as sucking on the muzzle of a shotgun. Let’s face it, a $500 price tag isn’t an optimistic statement by Apple. Certainly the iPad’s $500 tag is better than the purportedly ‘leaked’ number of $1000+, but it’s still not a confidence statement.

The device is going to encounter two key problems. The first, and most critical, is how is this device really portable? Show me a pocket this will slip into comfortably, and sticking it down the waistband of your pants doesn’t count as a pocket, even if you’re currently keeping a sausage down there! From the images it’s the size of a ‘full-size’ keyboard (without keypad), so it’ll slip into a woman’s handbag quite admirably. So, as a man, I’ve got the option of carrying a handbag or bringing my wife everywhere with me, are those the two options men nation wide really want to be deciding between? I know for a fact, if my wife is with me the functionality of the iPad is reduced . . . namely because it’ll get stolen from me, which leaves me getting a handbag or some other metrosexual apparel. This issue may be resolvable with some innovative case design, but inevitably it’s likely to end up in a backpack facing off with objects it likely never intended to meet and getting hurled around like old runners.

The second problem, for me personally, is that it is a locked-down device. It’s running a locked varient of Mac OS X, which means we as users will be entirely dependent on the App store for applications on a device that held so much potential. Oh and, unless someone made a monumental screw up before the presentation, no Flash. So those 90% of users who are using applications on facebook aren’t likely to see any use in the ~$850 price tag of a high-end iPad with 3G. The custom built A4 ARM processor means no hope of hacking a real Mac OS X onto it, nor windows or probably chromium OS. There’s slim hope for one of the ARM enabled linux variants as it’s likely going to take a lot of time to jailbrake the custom processor and Apple has kindly placed itself in a position where it can always be one step ahead.

The $30 monthly wireless plan with no contract is possibly the most appealing feature of the entire iPad, which in my opinion is rather depressing. Its claims of battery life seem a little dubious, ‘up-to’ 10 hours wireless web/video/music seems a bit strange. Perhaps processing the video isn’t nearly as battery draining as the screen, but I seriously doubt a battery life of 10 hours watching full screen movies. I’m expecting maybe 6 at a push.

Honestly, with portability not significantly higher than a netbook, but with way more restrictions than any netbook on the market makes a $500 – $850 price tag way too high. I’m sorry, but $130 for built in 3G is a joke. $200 netbook with $150 out-of-plan USB wifi still sounds like a much better deal to me, especially considering a 160GB hard drive and gaming ability. An Intel 950GM gets you through plenty of the classics of gaming, the iPad won’t. I also can’t control the 3G installed by Apple, which means I’m likely to be suckered into a deal with Bell. With a netbook, I can choose from Bell, Telus, Rogers, Virgin, Koodoo, Fido and the newcomer Wind.

Sorry, iPad. Your inevitable entrance into Canada won’t have me pulling out my wallet to buy you.




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