Tag Archive for 'Funny'

The Apartment: A Residential Torture Story

Published on May 13, 2011 in Personal. Closed Tags: Apartment, Funny, Personal.

This story starts out with a sheet of paper. A notice to show our apartment.

On Wednesday night said slip of paper had been shoved under our doorway. Now as our apartment was torn apart for that process known as “sorting”, which is a big part of that process known as “moving”. The biggest problem of all is that Kelly’s obedience class is every Wednesday and Saturday. On Wednesday it’s from 7 to 8:30 and just so happened to be on the far side of Hamilton, so with getting dinner we weren’t home until 9:30.

We were quintessentially fucked. Suffice it to say, to have a nice tidy apartment by 8:30AM on Thursday morning, we were cleaning until 2:30AM. We spent every second working at it, and basically just threw a lot of stuff into storage totes at random. At least the job got done. Although 4 hours of sleep doesn’t make for a very happy Englishman. I think by the afternoon I’d entered a mild state of delirium as I actually ceased being tired and went into that manic frame of mind, which lasted until I forced myself to go to bed at 10:30PM.

All of which was for 5-minutes of them being in our apartment.

Although the utter nuisance of apartment living is only illustrated by the fact that at 9:40PM last night someone decided to pull the fire alarm. I think we’re currently at 5 pulls in 10 and 1/2 months. I’m glad it happened at 9:40PM when I’m wide awake and don’t feel like a complete irresponsible ass by waiting it out. If it had happened at 1AM like usual, I would have ended up outside because I’m not going to be able to react at the first sign of smoke when I have my head under a pillow shouting ‘laa-laa-laa’.

So that’s just another story of why you don’t move into an apartment.

Vindication

Published on March 10, 2011 in Personal. Closed Tags: Dog, Funny, Kelly, Personal.

I have been vindicated. My wife was just filling Kelly’s Kong and the ziplock bag exploded on her.

Wife: Ugh, I hate the smell of peanut butter… now it’s on my hand! *High pitched voice* now it’s on my hand!

Edit: I just realised this post is #100.

Imitation is the sincerest form of… Son of a…!

Published on March 7, 2011 in News and Personal. Closed Tags: Dog, Funny, Kelly, News, Personal.

So with my wife napping and a free minute I decided to fill Kelly’s recently bought Kong with peanut butter so that it’ll be frozen by morning. Of course I got to imitate how my wife does it. Fill a ziplock bag with peanut butter and pipe it in like an idiot-proof (AKA Nik-proof) icing job. I mean it doesn’t even have to look nice, just pipe it in until you can’t get anymore in. What could go wrong? Well the ziplock can just ker-plow and bust a side open, coating your hand in peanut butter. Then you have to use a teaspoon to fill the Kong and make a huge mess anyway, plus your hand is coating in peanut butter.

As per usual, the wife knows best.

The Wasda Posts

Published on February 24, 2011 in News and Personal. Closed Tags: Apartment, Dog, Family, Funny, Moving, News, Personal.

This post is basically a list of things I was planning on posting about this morning, but now that’s basically been shot to shit.

Originally I was going to do a mini-review of RED, which was awesome and hilarious. I’m loving Bruce Willis in his new comedy slant, it lends itself well to him.

Then I was going to post on the preliminarily fantastic news for John Scalzi, the sale of Old Man’s War as a movie. This is one movie I know I will be watching (if it ever makes it to release) in theatres with a big tub of buttery popcorn.

Then I was going to post about the ultimate douchery of our rental company who just strung us through almost a month of their piss-about-crap and they’ll now be losing us as perfect tenants (that’s not even ironic in intent, no complaints, perfect rent), which there’ll be more on that next. All this over them refusing to replace a grotty 30-year old carpet with massive tears and zero padding left (if it ever had padding).

So now we’re onto the current news of the day, we’re moving into a town house. No more trips down an elevator to let the dog pee, no more trips to the laundry room to see that the machines are all in use and 2 are out of order and one eats loonies.

Will this news last through the night? We think so.

Grolsch

Published on February 13, 2011 in Uncategorized. Closed Tags: Alcohol, Funny.

Just drank a Grolsch, which is quite probably the yummiest beer in existence (plus the swing lid is just awesome) and as I’ve only consumed a handful of peanuts (literally just a handful of dry roasted peanuts, a big handful but far from even a snack) today it’s having quite the effect. It’s been a long time (I think I was 14) since I felt tipsy off a single beer, although technically it’s a beer 1.3 as it’s 45cl not 351ml.

Now perhaps I should be making my way to the in-laws for dinner.

You Know You’re In Canada When…

Published on February 10, 2011 in Uncategorized. Closed Tags: Canada, Funny, Odd.

You know you’re in Ontario when local commercials give directions to their store via the local Tim Hortons’.

That’s all, I just felt like pointing out the oddity.

Soylent Green is People!

Published on January 24, 2011 in Personal. Closed Tags: Funny, Geek, Personal.

I’m resigning my geek-card today, well for yesterday, as it’s taken me that long to see the classic Soylent Green. Why am I resigning my card? Because it was my wife who put it on… which is one of the many reasons why I’m glad I married her.

Beard Theory

Published on January 12, 2011 in News and Personal. Closed Tags: Crazy Science, Funny, News, Opinion, Personal.

I just came up with a brilliant hypothesis on beards while eating raw cake batter and talking to the wife.

With the batter all in my beard my wife tells me: “I swear [catching food] is all they evolved for.”

Me: “It was used for all the starving girls, they would be like ‘oh my god, look at all that food’.”

Oh biology you harsh mistress, if all these revelations were as obvious we wouldn’t still be questioning why we have an infection-grenade in our guts called an appendix.

PayPal, Mastercard, Visa…

Published on December 8, 2010 in News. Closed Tags: Funny, News, Wikileaks.

It looks like the kids in Anonymous has been busy today whilst the rest of the world has been at work. As the US government has been strong arming payment companies to block payments to Wikileaks, despite Wikileaks has yet to be shown to be illegal. So the kids in Anonymous have been busy DDoSing payment companies, and notably managed PayPal, Mastercard and Visa for all blocking payments to Wikileaks.

This of course follows the US government strong arming the Swedish government to press prosecution on Wikileaks founder Julian Assange… for rape or as the definition appears to be in Sweden – not using a condom in consensual sex. It shows the credibility of the case when the two women accusing him of wanton non-usage of a condom (definition of Wanton: sexually lawless or unrestrained; loose; lascivious; lewd) – I’ll avoid using rape as it’s factually insulting to rape victims not only for the hilarity of the weakness in this case but also that they’re arguing rape when – they bragged about their ‘conquest’ of Assange. I’m sure many rape victims brag about it to their friends on twitter…

Congratulations go to Sweden, they were once the epitome of moral character for their ability to remain neutral, and were widely renowned for their mass construction of shoddy furniture and henceforth made all furniture just as mass produced and shoddy. Now they’re prosecuting people on the behalf of sluts with a political agenda. It’s still a testament to Sweden’s liberality that being a slut preclude you from being a rightwinger.

Edit: This is probably in response to Assange being arrested yesterday and currently facing extradition to Sweden. His lawyers are likely planning to argue that any extradition to Sweden will expose him to extradition to the US, despite both countries yet laying formal criminal charges.

The UK group Women Against Rape (thought I’d embed a link, give a search engine boost to a group that actually knows what rape is) questioned, in an open letter to The Guardian, the zealous nature that Assange is being pursued under. They say it’s routine in the UK for rapists to be granted bail, and it’s unusual for Sweden to be attempting extradition when – this bit doesn’t have to come from this group, it’s basically common knowledge – it has a notoriously low prosecution rate on rape that it really doesn’t need to be extraditing people when they already know they’re not going to manage to complete the prosecution.

I mean Sweden is still positively flummoxed over The Pirate Bay issue, do they really need to grab hold of the Wikileaks issue and just bury themselves further in irrelevance in the 21st century.

To any Swedes that might read this: You have 90 years to get your country to get with it and you might not be remembered as the Amish of the 21st century. Remember it’s the dutch that were technologically mis-inclined not the Swedes!

Henry “The Genius” Hedgehog

Published on November 15, 2010 in Pets and Photos. Closed Tags: Cute, Fun, Funny, Hedgehog, Pets, Photo, Picture.

I knew my hedgehog was a lot on the weird side for how animals go, but this morning I caught him being unusually smart rather than being usually stupid.

He’s overturned his food bowl and positioned it to make it easier to get to his water bottle. It’s not that he had difficulty, I guess he just got fed up with reaching a little. Although this looks 10x more awkward, so I don’t see the improvement – but then again I’m not a hedgehog.